‘a longing fulfilled’… ‘I ‘can’t’ see clearly’… or can I?

Insincerity –

Other people never would see it, would they? They have to live it.
That’s why it’s so hard for people to break away from unhealthy relationships – there’s always a seed of questioning, always a need of love (of hope)

and in me – a need to do what is right (and good)

I want to trust that their heart is touched and changed – but I’ve been here before – I feel that I know not to trust. (‘You knew what I was when you picked me up…’)
There are always intentions, expectations, lying beneath the surface – I am always a tool to be manipulated.
That is the truth that seems to continually emerge.
Lord it is a situation that I seem not ever able to see quite clearly – yet I feel that I do –
(the fate of the misused)
is to never see clearly?

May 11, 2017
The mockingbirds are mocking – they are all that appear today and they mock with their calls.

‘Hope is a fountain of life’ but a spirit denied….

‘No thing will bring me joy but to know that my children walk with God’

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. – Proverbs 13:12

My mother, not myself?

still from the journey journal

How is it, after all this time, and all these years, my mother still does not know me?

I think my mother lives with a lot of feelings of guilt. (covered by defense)
That has to be a very hard way to live.
A way that produces a sick, wounded, weary soul.
If she would only learn, and experience, the joys, the freedom, of confession that led to repentance – the making of amends –
How freeing it would be to her spirit.
The 1st step has to be admittance –
no more denial
no more rationalizing
no more hiding
To come out of hiding is to be so free –
the only way the heart and soul can be healthy – healed.

The Word of God has the power
to heal me
The Word of God has the power
to save me
The Word of God has the power
to lift me up

‘Look at the birds – do they worry for themselves?’

Body be blessed
Head be blessed
Lungs be blessed
Sinus’s be blessed
Back be blessed
Nerves be blessed
Body be blessed

My mornings:
‘Don’t talk to me. I’ll forget what’s in my head.’
don't tak to me

See as I lay in bed in the mornings, waking and sleeping, waking and sleeping, I begin to collect thoughts in my head
things I want to say
things I want to write
things I want to do
and if someone speaks to me before I can write all these things down, I forget, and my whole day is thrown off course.
Can anyone relate?

Down a sort of a different path today – a ‘memory lane’?

memory lane
My In-Laws
What I remember about them.
They always sat together watching T.V.
Not an easy thing necessarily for a man and a woman since they have such different interests typically.
(I wonder how they chose what to watch.)

Like the Bunkers on All In The Family.
That is what they reminded me of – Edith and Archie – except this was Marie and Raymond.
He, more often than not, sitting in his recliner, would fall asleep.
What I remember about her, my mother-in-law, is that she always had a joy for life, whatever was going on.
Always a quick smile and a cheerful disposition –
If there was pain (emotional pain) she lived with it well – always seeming able to put it aside and embrace the current moment.
Her children loved her, and you could call her blessed.
(Proverbs 31:28)

Prayers from the journey

May 6, 2017

I spit out bitterness (literally)
Lord You cleanse me.

God touch her heart, of course I want You to touch her heart. Bring her peace. Help her to purge (to spit out) her bitterness.

My heart sings (praises to You Lord)
even when my lips can’t.

Please let me not, to be separated from You Lord.

Please Lord, I am Yours
though I know that I fall short,
that I have my failings.
Help me Lord, please to exist in this world.

May 8, 2017

I think of all the hopes and dreams (of this life) that are lost, because the time passes.
(that never come to pass)
(Sometimes) I think, ‘Better to not have hopes and dreams’,
just take each day as it comes is maybe better?
but what an unambitious way to live — and what does it produce that way? — without hopes and dreams?

The barn swallows are such fun to watch each spring when the new fliers are so enthralled with their new freedom from the nest and they go zipping through the skies.

Today, May 8 – West Palm Beach
Barn swallows and fighter jets

I marveled.

I was at my apartment today, and looking out the windows as I always have a view; in wonder I noticed a bunny rabbit sitting down the embankment near the pond. I had to get my binoculars to confirm, but yes it was a bunny and it sat there a good while and I got to watch it munching on grass. I marveled. And as I marveled, suddenly the bright red head of a red-headed woodpecker flew into my view out the other window. I marveled. They are so beautiful to behold.
On returning to my current temporary place of residence my host pointed out a buzzard that had just landed across the street. We watched. I marveled.

a marvel-ous day?